What makes the public confused is that the parents of the girls in the incident did not realize the harm of "fear education" to their children.

A video of two passengers removing a crying one-year-old girl from her grandmother and locking her in the cabin toilet has sparked public outrage. Such imprisonment-based intimidation of children is highly controversial, even when carried out by a guardian, let alone a stranger on a plane. This arrogance of adults, triggered by "misogyny," violates the boundaries of children and ignites public anger.

However, what makes the public confused is that the parents of the girls in the incident did not realize the harm of "fear education" to their children, and did not do their duty to protect their young children. In his book Nonviolent Parenting, Gueguen points out the damage that "fear education" does to children's brains, and argues that the "frustration education" that many people believe in is not so important: "We often hear that 'children cannot be left to their own devices, they must learn to face setbacks and obey rules' such words, as if this is the key to education." But life is full of setbacks. There's no need to add them."

Fear and stress can affect children in many ways, preventing the areas of the brain responsible for controlling emotions from maturing. Therefore, adults should recognize the negative effects of fear education when educating children.

Adult fear education has two sides. On the one hand, adults "subdue" the child by creating fear by threatening, glaring, Shouting, and even hitting the child. On the other hand, adults themselves may be chronically fearful and pass this fear on to their children. Both of these fears are harmful to young children.

At this extremely sensitive age, a child's desire for happiness and life may be curbed or encouraged. So, if a child is in a dangerous situation, of course we have to get them out of danger first. Instead, if there is no danger, we should encourage the child: "Go, but be careful." Children between 8 and 14 months old, just learning to walk, begin to explore the world through touch.

While they can understand adults saying "no, don't touch that," they don't understand what "forbidden" means. Therefore, when we say "no" to children, we should say it peacefully, without scaring them, gently turning their attention to something else, taking them away from danger, and telling them in simple words why it is dangerous.

Of course, we have to provide a suitable environment for our children. Keep things that are dangerous, fragile, or precious to us out of their reach to avoid accidents. Otherwise, telling your child "It's dangerous, don't go" will suppress their curiosity about life and their desire to move forward, explore, and discover. This can put them under unnecessary pressure and turn them into timid children.

We can draw boundaries in a peaceful way, and if the child wants to approach the danger zone, we can divert their attention with fun and safe activities. This can be very effective for younger children and can ease their nerves. As children get older, they will gradually understand what the danger is, and from 12 to 14 months, children enter the peak of saying "no". At this stage, the child begins to build a sense of self and will firmly state what they want to do. This phase usually lasts several months.

The premise of setting boundaries for our children is the same as that of setting boundaries for ourselves, without harming ourselves or others. It's important to set boundaries for children, to keep them safe and to teach them how to get along with others. But even more important is how we communicate those boundaries to our children. If we communicate it in a gentle, patient and age-appropriate way, they will understand and accept it peacefully.

If we use coercive ways to demand children, then the parent-child relationship will be damaged, the child will become rebellious or shrink. However, drawing boundaries is not the core of education.

We often hear that "children cannot be left to their own devices, they must learn to face setbacks and obey rules", as if this is the key to education. But life is full of setbacks. There's no need to add them. The core of educating children is to convey our own values to them. If we rely solely on drawing boundaries to convey values and ignore the joyful and creative side of life, we will raise a fearful and unhappy child. Their natural curiosity can be stifled by adults.

When parents keep saying "no" without offering an alternative, the child will imitate the parent, adopt the same stubborn attitude as they do, say "no" often, and this phase of saying "no" can last a long time, causing unnecessary parent-child conflict and preventing the child from moving to a more interesting phase for them where they can say "yes" and enjoy life. Punishing children and making them feel afraid is also very harmful. This can lead children to fear adults, not respect them.

Family conflict is a major source of stress for children. Many studies have shown that the way conflict is regulated in the family can have a profound impact on how children perform in current and future relationships.

Children learn this from a very early age, and if they do something wrong, adults scold angrily: "How can you do this, it is hopeless, I can't control you." Children are frightened and upset by their parents' anger, creating an insurmountable sense of frustration. In addition to feeling frustrated that they didn't get what they wanted, they also feel fear, anger, incomprehension, sadness, and distrust of their parents. They start crying, yelling, trying to attack their parents or throwing toys in anger.

This anger makes them unable to think and understand why they are not allowed to do these things. Children's deep distrust of their parents can deeply harm the parent-child relationship. Parents also seem powerless to their children, because they always think that they can teach their children the right way to behave through lessons and punishments. In fact, on the contrary, children may show obedience out of fear of adults, but they do not take these behaviors to heart. What we often call the "bully type" child is usually a reflection of the attitude of the adults around him. When a child is labeled this way, observe the adults around him and you will see that the child is actually imitating them.

On the contrary, if the adult does not give in easily, but communicates with the child in a peaceful and patient way, then the child will not have fear or anger because of the adult's attitude. In this way, the child can come to understand that "for one reason or another, something cannot be done" and learn to remain calm when prevented from doing something and avoid creating unnecessary psychological conflict.

Even if anger arises because you can't do something, it won't last long. Children will quickly understand or recognize the reasons, and they will also retain their trust in their parents and maintain a good parent-child relationship, which is very important. In addition, they can easily recover from the mood of disappointment and then continue to play.

According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, getting rid of disappointment and depression in time is one of the keys to happiness. Although disappointment and depression are difficult to avoid, the faster you recover, the greater your ability to gain joy in your life.

However, if a child regularly witnesses his or her parents arguing, attacking, or even committing acts of violence against each other, and both insist that they are right, the child may imitate this behavior and do the same to his or her peers, becoming bossy. In addition, the experience may have a negative impact on their brain and behavior patterns. In fact, witnessing domestic violence is a traumatic experience for children that can lead to depression, anxiety, aggressive behavior, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.

Harvard University scholar Jeewook Choi has studied the brains of young people who have witnessed domestic violence. The 20 people in the experimental group had witnessed domestic violence for an average of 9 years between the ages of 3 and 16. A control group of 27 people lived in harmonious families. The researchers found that the process of myelination was altered in the neural circuits of the cerebral cortex connecting different regions (the frontal, temporal and occipital lobes) in the experimental group, but not in the control group.

These young people showed varying degrees of depression, anxiety, somatization, and even dissociation disorder. This does not mean that parents cannot express different views at all. In fact, if children see that their parents are able to communicate, listen, understand, and respect each other despite their differences of opinion, they can also learn how to build more harmonious relationships with their peers.